Internet Asshole (In Dedication To)

Young Andrew sat at his desk, grinding his teeth as he read through the controversial article’s comments, all in disagreement with the author’s premise that people shouldn’t tip waiters.

“How don’t they see? How doesn’t anybody SEE? This is satire! SATIRE! UGH! SHE DOESN’T MEAN THIS!”

His hands shook, his eyes turned bloodshot; this was a travesty. “They called the writer ignorant!” This could not go unnoticed. Somebody had to say something. Somebody had to set this right.

“I mean, how did these people even graduate 10th grade English?” He scoffed a bit before catching himself.

“There’s no way, there’s just no way …”

When he finished the article, he heroically raced his browser back to Facebook and thought deeply, intensely; those passing behind Andrew thought he was uncovering the secrets to life, others just thought he had some serious anger issues to work through.

“How do I begin this? How do I begin to tell THE WORLD?”

It was hard for Andrew to come up with the words to describe his disappointment with humanity. After all, he usually didn’t go on social media sites calling strangers ‘idiots’; it was unbecoming to a man of his caliber. So, too, was condescension. Andrew could never speak down to somebody like some authoritative asshole, he preferred to speak with people as equals, as an equal asshole. How would he encapsulate all of this into a thoughtful post meant to veer the sheeple away from their own misreading and groupthink? What if he failed? What would this mean for the world? Why should the weight always fall on his shoulders? Why should this be his battle? Why did he care SO MUCH?

“Too much? No … no …” He couldn’t think negatively. He could never stop caring. This was no time to question himself. This was a time meant to judge others.

Finally it struck him, like the satirical writing style from an internet article,

“Oh my … THAT’S IT!”

He laughed, drool slipping past his lips and down his chin, slapping his keyboard before being launched back into the air by his furiously typing fingers.

“I don’t usually go around calling strangers idiots on Facebook but …”

Andrew was in a trance, the words dancing off his fingertips and to the world. He’d set them all straight, they’d all know they were wrong to take this article seriously. If he had to call them idiots in the exchange, they deserved it. He wasn’t angry like everybody thought, just right. Just better.

His words to the world. Finally heard. Echoed through eternity. Finally a champion.

“Now, they know.” Andrew said, still shaking from his defining act of charity. He closed his laptop and walked a bit taller that day, at least taller than any of those WRONG IDIOTS commenting on that obvious article. Another social injustice conquered, but Andrew was still overcome with the same emptiness he found in himself whenever he acted like an asshole over the internet.


Author: antbrov

Fiction | Magical Realism | Introspective Write > Edit > Hate > Learn > Write...

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